Blessed father,

As you are the God of the living, and of justice, truth, love, mercy and creation, I humbly bow before you and praise your name.
May these ideals awaken within the earth, within our hearts. May thy will and thy kingdom of heaven purify all corruption and death.
Sustain our life. Open our eyes to truth, open our ears to wisdom, move our feet to worthiness, let our spirits and temples be cleansed.
Forgive us father. Give us understanding of our wrongdoing and have mercy upon our repentance. Allow us to forgive others as graciously as you forgive us.
Father, be our rock and our shield against that which would steal our destiny or our blessings. Let not corruption overtake us. Deliver us. Allow us to be whole.
Soften our hearts. Help us to know you. Help us to know our true selves. Free us.
Help us to become light amidst a dark world. Help us feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, shelter the homeless, clothe the naked, care for the sick, visit the imprisoned.

In Jesus’ name

A shoutout to my dad for a random act of kindness to a stranger. I’m proud to be your son.

(Edit 3-24) Hear ye, hear ye! I now proclaim this post to be the house of a discussion regarding the nature and purpose of the Bible. This is meant as a continuation of the discussion from the post below where Dan, Apache, Truth, and I have been hashing out the nature of the universe, knowledge, religion, and even a few cool essays by Dr. M. Scott Peck and Robert G. Ingersoll. This is basically a sub-thread of that discussion where we will be keeping things specifically on the Bible.  Any old or new wayfarers are welcome to join!

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(Edit 3-16) To those who may be interested, I will have my forth post to this series up and running in the near future. It has been gladly delayed due to the ongoing discussion on the third post. I would like to thank Dan, Apache, Truth, and the other contributors for making the comments interesting, insightful and informative.  

I’ve been doing a bit of meditating and scripture reading lately and I’ve come to two conclusions in my personal journey of life. Number one, I have not been honoring God with appropriate sacrifices. Even though I may keep to the letter of my vows, it is often done in a haphazard and begrudging manner (not unlike Malachi 1:13-14). This is not a graceful way to respond to my creator, redeemer and sustainer. Were I orientated properly, I would joyfully place all my passion before the Lord’s throne. Number two, I have been speaking too carelessly about divine matters. I must cultivate more wisdom and spirit within myself before I speak so easily about the nature of the Bible and the spirit of God working within the world.  To speak of such things is a sacred privilege and one must be sure ones words are built on proper grounding.

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In the midst of another work week, I’d like to take a quick pause to express a sincere thank you to those stopping by. I appreciate you taking a moment from your day to read my thoughts. Though my writings here are in a rather cloudy, free-style form and my beliefs are drawn from an abstract well, I still truly hope there are a few concrete fruits hidden within.  This series was born out of a yearning and a love for God, and I hope its realization remains true to its origins.

So please take what you will from my writings. I hope to have number four up by the end of this weekend.

Today is Ash Wednesday and I thought to participate by vowing into a few things for the duration of Lent. I would like to be more disciplined in my life and to ‘empty’ myself out a bit so that inspiration may have more room to work with should I be graced with it. These commitments might seem laughably modest, but at least it’s a start

- Spend at least 30 minutes a day on reading and meditating scripture.

- Center myself more on prayer, balance, and love. Be cooler in the face of inconvenience or pressure. Sympathize truly with others instead of judging. Grumble less about perceived unfairness. Try to plant seeds of goodness in every encounter.

- Drink only on one weekday and on one weekend day. Be moderate and appreciate each sip.  (I usually drink a beer or two every evening, though I very seldom get drunk).

- Study Korean for at least one hour every two days.

This is my third post to a series I call ‘Searching for God’. It was originally outlined to cover three different topics, but as the writing got started, the first bit snowballed into a post of its own. So without getting too unwieldy, I’ll just post this section and save the rest for subsequent meanderings. As always, feel free to jump in as you will.

The Sacred Question

The question of God’s existence and nature is perhaps the most profound one of all. It is the preeminent mystery that has captivated the hearts and imaginations of humanity since our dawn. Is there really a supreme Being reigning over all the earth and stars? If so, what is God’s true purpose and calling? If not, would that make God the greatest hoax of all of human history? What then would this say about our selves and the world around us? Could God somehow be in the middle of these two possibilities? How can we know one way or another?

Everything else hinges on how we, as individuals and collectives, shape and answer this ultimate enigma. For it strikes deep into the core of our understanding and approach to life. It shapes our world views and gives tone to the mysteries hidden within. Indeed, the answers we adopt may very well empower or destroy us. They can enchant our hearts with hope and fear, joy and sorrow, love and hate. They can create oceans of meaning within us that manifest in raging seas, flowing rivers, or placid lakes.

We have all grappled with this divine question in our own times and in our own ways. From birth, we enter a world interwoven with churches, mosques, synagogues, temples, and other places of worship. We grow up in families, cultures, and countries all with varying colors along the spectrum of faith. We hear talk of God from all corners of the earth and see his holy names under many banners and swords. We witness the majesty of the thunder and rain, the tide and the wind, and the moon and sun. We experience the miracles of birth and death, love and transition, healing and providence.

We are all pilgrims in a world immersed in mystery and religion. Some of us reach our conclusions of God early and without much inner-conflict; others write long-winded blog posts throughout the midnight hours. Very many of us follow the path charted by our parents and guardians; others turn away in disdain from the traditions of yore. Some of us put this question of God in a box in the attics of our minds; others use our God-boxes to bash strangers over the head. Many of us are placated by our walls and fellowships of worship; others are not, and are driven to great journeys in thirst for meaning.

Whatever conclusions we may have reached, I hope the search will always continue with open eyes, open hands, and open hearts. Humanity’s quest for God has preceded our lives, and it will endure long after. The jury is still out, and many things unfold under the sun. For even the most zealous in faith must sometimes walk through deserts of doubt, while even the most no-nonsense of skeptics will sometimes feel faint glimmers of divinity. A priest may hang up his vestments after a lifetime of prayer, while a wanderer’s heart may melt upon seeing a rose.

The search for God is a sacred one, and a journey that takes many colors. When we sincerely ask, look, listen, and follow our intuition we may find ourselves in unexpected and wondrous places. Sometimes this means rediscovering timeless wisdom; other times this means smashing old idols and wineskins. Sometimes this yields new and living springs in our hearts; other times this leads to empty disillusionment. Sometimes we stumble upon heavenly coins in the hands of a beggar; other times we lose all our coins to smiling televangelists. It’s up to us how deeply we invest ourselves in this sacred question. But, who knows, we might even find a miracle sown into ourselves along the way.

Work, life, exercise, and the girlfriend have been keeping me away from writing more than I’d like. But I’m almost finished with number three in this series.

So, in the meantime enjoy some haunting music that probably speaks more than any of my words here.

Video created by a member of this fine community.

This is my second post to a small project I call “Searching for God” where I hope to explore and articulate my perspective of God and invite others to do the same. This is something I have wanted to do for quite a long time and I’m glad to have finally started it up. And by my measure, it has been successful. I have garnered a few nice comments from friends on Facebook, and on my personal weblog, I received a very thoughtful and well written response from a gentleman who stopped by. I would like to encourage all of you out there to continue (or start) to participate if you feel the urge, and to feel welcome to write freely and openly. As I explore and shape my own views, I am always open to new challenges, disillusionments, insights, and forms of expression. I believe it is out of love for God that we seek with candor and honesty.

In my previous post, I attempted to express my view that the word God, as a supreme Being, refers to a very transcendent concept, yet it is often crammed casually into the many vicissitudes of human experience and expression. We are a small, humble and limited species, and our faculties of sense, perception and cognition are bound to this sphere. Yet our pride doesn’t seem to be very bound, and we often folly in taking our personalized encapsulations of God and extrapolating them to the stars. If we assume the existence of God as a supreme Being, then I believe that it is imperative that we invoke God with due reverence, humility, and patience. Yet if I had a nickle for every time God was used to endorse one’s ideology, actions, judgements, campaigns, countries, and/or pizza parlors, I could build a tower of Babel in my backyard. I believe we are treading a perilous path when we presume God’s approval is under our sway. In fact, it actually alienates good people from God when they hear of God masked in this finite, fallible way. Now does this mean God never speaks through us? No, I believe God does speak through us (and it’s miraculous), but I’d caution that without ‘keeping it real’, we do a disservice rather than a service to this supreme Being. Simply put, I would remind those of a religious persuasion (including myself) to be humble and open when invoking God.

Back to the main point of this activity: Searching for God. Is God, in fact, a supreme being? Would God be of a monotheistic, polytheistic, or pantheistic nature? Or something else? Is God immanent or wholly transcendent? Or both? Does God intervene in this world or just let creation play out? Or does God not exist at all outside of our psychological constructs? I obviously have no idea. But I believe God is somewhere beyond the middle of all those possibilities. I believe in an uncorrupted, eternal truth pervading and transcending this universe. I believe abstractly in the Christian meta-narrative of a tragic corruption befalling humankind, our current plight, and a prophesied day of purification through God’s kingdom and grace. I believe God acts in this world. Furthermore, when I pray, I pray in Jesus’ name and seek forgiveness of my sins. I find great personal wisdom in the parables and teachings attributed to Jesus, and I have faith that when we demonstrate true love for God and our fellow humans, a victory has been won against the forces of evil and corruption.

Of the above personal creeds, I hope to tie them into to further posts where I explore my view of God in terms of a Creator, Redeemer, Provider, Lord, and Source of Life. For the rest of this post, I would like to offer a testimony of sorts of how I arrived at my (admittedly abstract and ambiguous) conception of God and four key experiences that have been transformative for me over the years.  

Formative Years

I was born in a Christian household and was confirmed in a Methodist Church. My parents, while not being zealous, attended church regularly and (I believe) found refuge in their faith. As all parents do, they played a pivotal role in the early shaping of my views of God. I would say my father was the archetypical provider and protector. He was generous in all things, rewarded us (my older brother and myself) fairly for work, challenged us in sport, and was strong enough to shield us from the unknown and scary things outside. My mother loved us unconditionally, soothed our pains, nurtured us, comforted us, read us stories, and educated us. As I remember, Sunday school days consisted of 60% playing/daydreaming, 30% music, and 10% learning about Adam and Eve, Noah’s ark, Joseph, Moses, Jonah and the whale, the Lord’s Prayer, the Last Supper, and Jesus’ love.

1) God as Friend

I believe a key event in my youthful faith occurred in the midst of a scary night where fear of some unknown darkness began to take hold of me. I don’t remember it being a sharp, specific boogeyman type of fright but more of a dull, overarching dread of the dark. It cast a lost, forlorn, and helpless feeling over me. I was in my younger brother’s room at the time and I feared for both of us. I remember praying to God in that darkness like a small candle in a cave. I repeated prayers for safety over and over. Finally, I remember a sweeping feeling come over me, and a simple desire to ask God – almighty God – to be my friend. It was probably something I learned in Sunday school, but in that moment it seemed suddenly so intuitive. Whatever it was, it conquered the darkness in my spirit that night. Also, I believe it led to a new paradigm of prayer for my young mind: a friendly candor in approaching God any and all times.

2) Openness to Wisdom

A second transformative moment for me, would be a time in early highschool where I believe I developed a regard for wisdom (whether I gained any wisdom or not is debatable. I’ve certainly done my share of boneheaded things since). I remember around this time I had a first good read of the book of Proverbs and loved it. The idea of wisdom calling to us in the marketplace and yielding a treasure greater than gold was (and is) beautiful. Around this same time, I received a pamphlet from my church with a short fable of a man who was being chased by a hungry bear. In the story, he prayed that the bear could attain knowledge of God (and therefore as the man figured leave him alone). The man’s specific prayer was granted yet the outcome was unexpected and tragic. The bear thanked God for the food he was about to eat. The moral of the story was that when we pray we shouldn’t get carried away with our own thoughts, intentions, and desires. Rather, we should yield to God’s wisdom and let God provide to us as is proper. I believe these two lessons set a foundation within my spirit to seek wisdom from all corners and to simply fall into God in prayer and need.

 3) Coming Home

This third key moment in my spiritual development was probably the most tumultuous, blissful, and profound of them all. I was a senior in highschool and a party animal, baby! It was spring break ‘97 and I had surreptitiously procured a few cases of Heineken for when my family went out of town. As it turned out, my mother found these beers just before leaving and was extremely disappointed in me. I hadn’t been the most well-behaved young man prior to that and this was just another brick on top of it all. We had a huge argument and were on bad terms when she left the house with my younger brother and sister (my father was out of town already). I started drinking the beers immediately, grumbling and sulking. Later that night I gathered with a group of friends and we drove up to the city about an hour north. We partied pretty hard with alcohol and other substances.

Finally, drained and fried, we began our way home. It was at that moment staring outside the passenger side window into the fields along the road that I reflected on my fight with my mother and on the terms I had last seen her. And then suddenly and overwhelmingly a desire to make things right struck my core. I repented and I wanted to come home (spiritually). After that, I can only describe the feeling as being touched by God. I’m sorry it sounds cheesy, but I think this is the feeling many people have when they claim to be born again. It was mystical. I was struck with a profound sense of presence permeating the air. It was like God was sown into each and every molecule around me. Love poured down from every conceivable angle. My mind became extremely empty and unburdened, swept clean as if all the clouds of earthly pain (known or unknown) had been dispersed into the clear, cool night. I knew God had come to me. I was overjoyed. I didn’t need anything else. I remember thinking I could be anywhere in the world (even at some boring, cheesy Christian sing along) and be utterly in bliss and at peace.

Alas, the feeling faded. The clouds of the world seeped back into my mind and spirit. The air became dull and absent. The bliss that had overtaken me faded into receding afterthought. I had returned to myself, with and all the baggage, bad habits, and fallen nature of before. But I was changed. I was transformed. I had witnessed something. I was sure of it.

The years passed and the experience became a distant memory. Doubt crept in. Was there a purely psychological explanation? Was it a result of my thought processes, mixed with motion, mixed with alcohol and other substances? Was I just being a self-delusional, exaggerating, idealist who got carried away one late night? I don’t know. But I feel there was something more. Regardless of any chemical or psychological influences, I feel in my heart that grace reached down from the heavens and filled me that night. It’s just one of those things. 

4) God Snatching me Back

My last and most recent transformational experience took place about a year and a half ago. It’s a very long story. Suffice to say I had a string of painful events take place in my life culminating with the feeling that I had lost everything and my life was over. Prior to all of that, I would describe my spiritual state at the time as ’self-indulgently complacent’. I prided myself on the thought that I had a special privilege with God. I felt I had special insight into the holes and silly superficialities of organized religion. Despite prodigalizing many of my blessings, I thought I was cool, in control, and God was on my side for each and every whim. (I believe, of course, God is on our side at all times, but I had lulled myself into thinking I knew God’s mind). In retrospect, I was probably the spiritual equivalent of an obese man basking his flab in the sunlight.

Then the string of pain hit me. I reacted foolishly. I became indignant to God. I was a good guy, I just wanted a good life, why did this happen? I griped, I groaned, I complained venomously. Things got worse. Perhaps God left me to my folly to teach me an important lesson. I hadn’t been cool and in control all this time. Quite the opposite, I had bewitched myself into thinking I was the master of my domain.

I took my bad situation and made it worse by nursing my bitterness, abusing alcohol, and living wildly. I danced in the din of disaster for about a month until it finally came to me that I was reaching the bottom. I was throwing my life away. I suddenly woke up far along on a dark and lonely road. I was broken, and I beseeched God one last time to restore me. This was not where I wanted to be. I had tasted folly and destruction one last time and had had my fill.

By the grace of God I was healed. I attribute my healing to God and testify to that. It didn’t happen overnight. It took a good four or five months of fervent prayer, seclusion, and fasting before I felt that I had reestablished my balance. It was a hard but necessary lesson in humility and I hope to never forget it. I was lucky.

Today

Well, today I am utterly spent with writing

 If any of you actually made it through this whole thing, I commend your forbearance. Thank you for reading.

As my coworker, Josh, learned the hard way…

When your owner of your school kindly takes the teachers, managers and staff to Cirque du Soleil Alegria and then out for a night of traditional Korean bbq, beer, soju, and singing… don’t choose the Springsteen song: Born in the USA to sing in front of everybody. Or else you may have to stumble through such lyrics as: 

“Got in a little hometown jam
So they put a rifle in my hand
Sent me off to a foreign land
To go and kill the yellow man”

More evidence that humans have the potential to be the most twisted, trashy, shit creatures on Earth. If you’re an animal lover, you may have to brace yourselves.

I have a hard time imagining the existance of a hell. But if there were a hell for those born in the flesh, it would probably be something like that: Life in a claustrophobic cage, torture by shit trainers and slackjawed yokels, performing the most dumbass tasks diametrically opposite to nature all for the entertainment of folks with the wisdom, compassion, and dignity of a turd. It is sin to break the spirit of such a beast.

Sorry for the angry language.